One would think that barring a full-fledged apocalypse (don’t discount the possibility), people would still want to date.  Hey, people might even want to date post-apocalypse.  But even in this mild stage of worldwide financial collapse–an appetizer before the main course?–people are running from traditional dating sites as fast as possible.  Membership is down. Those intrepid few who are toughing it out are being scammed.  Even the Online Casanova himself has adopted a darker tone in his frequent missives, warning that “lists don’t work” (the jury’s out on what that means, specifically) and that even the CEO of Ferrari can turn a potential partner off if he gloats about his income.  

A flurry of ominous headlines reports the following: 

* Meetic,  Europe’s largest publicly traded on-line dating service, suffered a catastrophic blow when its stock plunged 11% in one day.

* A woman lost her life savings when she wired it to a Nigerian man she’d met on eHarmony.  He was caught attempting to flee the country with over $40,000 worth of forged traveler’s cheques. The moral of the story: It’s wise to pay $100 for background checks when dating online

* Huxley’s Brave New World has arrived: For $1,999.95, a company called ScientificMatch.com claims to be able to locate a person’s soul mate using DNA.  Fortunately GenePartner, a Swiss company, offers a similar service for only $199.  (Okay, this news isn’t alarming, just mildly creepy. Cue the soundtrack for Deliverance here)

More to come soon.   But for God’ sake, people, don’t let this turn you off.  Don’t stop dating!  uRadiate is free and here to help, even when the Rapture comes.  Just don’t tell eHarmony…

(Note to reader: All quotes care of the On-line Casanova have been reprinted courtesy of Dylan Alexander. Please visit him at OnlineCasanova.)

Apologies for the month-plus long radio silence.  AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion’s stay in Second Life proved a little longer than expected, but they’ve paid off their Linden dollar debts and kicked their flying habits, and once again are out and about trolling dating sites on your behalf. 

Which brings us to today’s (well, really yesterday’s) news: A brand new dating site exclusively for intelligent people, IntelligentPeople.com, has launched in the UK.  Says its founder, Trine Johnson, “Intelligent people usually want a partner who is also intelligent. Everyone wants someone they can talk to.  At general dating sites, you have to spend time and energy, sorting profiles to find the ones that match that criterion. At IntelligentPeople.com we already made that sorting for you.” 

And how do Trine & Co determine that you’re smart enough to make the cut?  Upon logging onto the site, you’re required to take an IQ test.  ”The IQ test consists only of black and white images and is designed to be culture fair, meaning it will test intelligence while minimizing cultural or educational biases,” they report. “It is not possible to take the test more than twice. This ensures that only people who actually can pass the test, become members.” (Between you and me—not to disparage Trine’s intelligence—the comma between “test” and “become” in the previous sentence is superfluous.)  

In any case, both AbeVigoda and Dandelion failed.  And they’re totally okay with it. Seriously.  You think they want to date a bunch of snobby, pretentious Brits who drop G.K. Chesterton quotes  (”Americans are the people who describe their use of alcohol and tobacco as vices”) and who can recite Pi to the fortieth decimal?  Please.  They’re much more content at Youniverse.com, a new dating site from Imagini, the folks who’ve brought you such gems as “Married But Looking.”   If IntelligentPeople.com represents the smartening up of dating sites, then Youniverse.com represents a bold move in the opposite direction: You don’t even have to use words.  You can create most of your personality profile simply by answering a series of image-based surveys.

Needless to say, both AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion had a lot more fun clicking on pleasant pictures of Disneyland and a jungle full of chimpanzees (part of the “This is where I’d like to travel” survey)  than they did fretting over an intimidating Rorschach test.  Unfortunately, they haven’t been matched yet on youniverse.com, but they they’re content enough to keep trying.  Or is it dumb enough?  Whatever.  A great philosopher once equated happiness with stupidity.  Neither AbeVigodaCirca1977 nor Dandelion can remember who, but whoever it was, you can be rest assured that he or she  made a terrific date.        

Sometimes when I receive a new missive from the On-Line Casanova, I find it impossible not to plagiarize it, verbatim. Will this get me into legal trouble? Perhaps. But consequences be damned. As a great man once said, “You can’t paraphrase perfection.” Actually, I said that—but only because I aspire to be as great as the On-Line Casanova someday.Online dating tips are always useful, but sometimes you need a dose of epic failure to remind yourself that you are indeed a normal human rather than a linguistic lothario. There are lot of occasions where you will write something you think is brilliant, but it turns out to be a spectacular failure.My God. Reading these lines, I felt exactly the same way I did many years ago when as a winsome teenager, I first heard Tina Turner’s “Simply the Best.” Even though we’ve never met, I know you wrote this song for me personally, Tina. It connects with me in a way nothing has ever connected with me before. That was only the beginning. The On-Line Casanova continued: I always say you should write images, but failed to mention that they cannot be cheesy. What the reader really learns from that line is “I’m tacky,” which as you might imagine, is bad. Really bad.Did I already know this? Yes. Did I make the mistake anyway? Yes.I thought I had put together something sensuous that would get anyone reading it a little excited, with strong sexual images. Go ahead, read it.“I don’t cook much, but when I do, the smell of spices will hit you before you even knock on my door. As soon as I open it, the aroma of beef roast in red wine will set you to salivating. One of my specialties, the beef is so tender that it comes apart as you put it in your mouth. Savory scalloped potatoes and bruschetta with plumb sauce will try and fill you, but you’ll need to save room for creamy strawberry cheesecake. So smooth you can swirl it around your tongue. The berries are crisp and juicy, and the sauce slowly dripping off as it tempts you to have another bite.”Sexy, huh? Yeah, it’s pretty loaded with subtext. Too bad when my proofreaders (all women) got to it, they laughed their asses off! “There’s no way I’d keep reading the rest of a guy’s profile if he had this in it,” was the unanimous response. Yes, it turns out that this is way too cheesy writing for a woman to read in a profile or an opening email. So be careful about what you describe and how you describe it. You aren’t writing a “Dear Playboy, I never thought it would happen to me, but…” type of letter. Keep it classy, keep it clean. Description is good, but tacky is bad.On top of everything else, he has the courage to admit a mistake. The message is as crystalline as its wisdom, so there’s nothing I can add. I only ask that you take his words to heart. For my part, beef roast will never taste the same again.(Note to reader: All quotes care of the On-line Casanova have been reprinted courtesy of Dylan Alexander. Please visit him at OnlineCasanova.)

No, really, today is May Day. And nothing’s going down but a good time, people. Spring is here. You can smell it—in the air, in the parks, in those short-lived pink and white blossoms you see lining the sidewalks of brownstone Brooklyn, and perhaps even parts of Queens. (I’m guessing.) Romance, baby! But it’s one thing to inhale romance; it’s another to find it. The subtext you should be picking up is: Join uRadiate now. NOW. NOW.

AbeVigodaCirca1977 joined just yesterday. He’s delighted by what he’s seen so far, although he is still waiting for Dandelion to make an appearance. And, admittedly, he is curious about a few things. For instance he found himself asking, “What exactly are raves, and why should I take them?”

Excellent question. Raves are short little surveys about everything that matters to you, and the tool that makes uRadiate different from any other dating site out there. And if that were an idle boast, AbeVigodaCirca1977, you’d be in a unique position to see right through me—after all, you’ve joined or perused almost every single major dating site except FarmersOnly. (Some identities are simply too honorable to fake.) Also, we’re the same person.

But say you were a farmer. Specifically, a hog farmer who was looking to date somebody who wanted to live on a hog farm, but not necessarily a hog farmer herself. Somebody who would complement your interests and lifestyle…maybe a work-at-home artistic type with a green thumb, a writer or painter.

Here’s what you’d do. You’d visit the Raves area of uRadiate, and search raves by a relevant category or categories. Hog farms and farming would most likely fall under “Life >> Home and Amenities,” or “Life >> Work or Job,” for example. No raves about hog farms or hog farming there? No worries: Create your own. What’s the best type of tractor? What amenities can no hog farm do without? Where’s the most ideal location for a hog farm? (Just brainstorming here, AbeVigodaCirca1977; feel free to take these ideas or leave them.) The point is, you can be as specific as you want with your hog farm criteria. You can tailor your questions and answers to elicit the most revealing portrait of someone else—specifically in regards to hog farming.

Okay, I admit it. I’m writing this blog post largely in response to J. Courtney Sullivan’s April 27 article in the New York Times: “Let’s Say You Want to Date a Hog Farmer.” The article reports that the rate of new memberships is declining at mainstream dating sites such as Match and eHarmony. It goes on to argue that if you haven’t had any luck finding a compatible date there, you probably won’t any time soon—so it’s best to turn to the niche dating sites. And I would agree, except that uRadiate solves the problems of both mainstream sites and niche sites. And therein lies its special beauty. uRadiate gives you the power to create your own little personalized niche dating site-within-a-site. Best of all, it doesn’t limit you to one niche.

Say you’re a hog farmer and an Ayn Rand fanatic. No need to join both FarmersOnly and TheAtlasSphere. What good would that do? At best you would find two dates, both of whom are missing something. uRadiate’s relevant raves will put you together with a match who fits all of your niches, big or small.

Do I sound like a salesman?  Good!  Somebody told me I should try to sell myself on this blog.  Sell, sell, sell. uRadiate, uRadiate, uRadiate.  (Keywords and repetition apparently help, too.)  So I hope this answers your question, AbeVigodaCirca1977. And for all of those of you who aren’t me: if you have any questions, concerns, or complaints regarding uRadiate, let a blogger know.

Question: What do four grown men who’ve been working 18-hour days and living on take-out smell like? Answer: not romance. Thankfully, you are not in the uRadiate offices at this time. You are safely ensconced in front of your computer, ready to find a perfect date. And God bless you for it! If you’ve already found a date in the last six months, waiting for us to launch, God bless you for that, too. You can still join if you’re just ready to socialize or to set up a friend. Regardless of your relationship status, uRadiate welcomes you. We are now officially up and running in beta!

I would part with a devastating witticism, but sleep deprivation is making it increasingly difficult to perform simple tasks such as stringing thoughts together, tying shoelaces, and sitting upright.

Oh, one quick thing: If you’re wondering about AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion, they are currently vacationing as real people on Second Life. Once they tire of the idyll of flying around like superheroes or purchasing vast tracts of land with Linden Dollars, they’ll return to their phony reality on behalf of uRadiate. It may be a while, though. In the meantime, they send you their very best.

I am trying to think of a clever way to tell you exactly why uRadiate’s launch was delayed. This is akin to trying to be clever about tech support. Say you’re on the phone for an hour-and-a-half with “Rog” about how your latest software upgrade has corrupted your hard drive—and although Rog is polite, he sounds suspiciously far away. (Your thought process as he has you on hold: Wait…could it be “Raj”? Would it be rude of me to ask? I could say something like: “Are you Rog, as in the character played by Ernest Thomas in the classic seventies sitcom What’s Happening? or ‘Raj’ as in the Hindi word for ‘reign?’ I don’t care either way, just curious. Be you Rog or Raj, I do not blame you for the outsourcing of America’s workforce. I blame your employers and America’s flawed economic policies. I am on your side.”)

The point is: you don’t want to offend him. On the other hand, if he comes back on the line five minutes later with a bunch of jokes unrelated to your software, you’re likely to get pissed, and you would be right to do so. Maybe your dinner is getting cold in the microwave. Maybe you’ve already missed the crucial opening scene of Law & Order, SVU, which means you’ll have to work just as hard as the detectives to crack the case—and here Rog-or-Raj is telling you the one about “the cursor.” (It’s what you become when your computer crashes. Get it?) So I will spare you the insult. You deserve much, much better. And you will have it soon.

Until next week, with my apologies…

The trouble started April Fools day. AbeVigodaCirca1977 was busy trying to reconnoiter with Dandelion on AdultFriendFinder.com, where membership is free. We’d learned the site had recently been acquired by Penthouse to the tune of $500 million, and we wanted to see if there were any changes for the better. And, okay, maybe we were feeling a little frisky. (AdultFriendFinder.com’s optimistic tag line: “Meet real sex partners tonight!”) But something was off. It wasn’t the offer of “nude webcams, swinger action, group sex, or adult personals.” We were expecting all that. Nor was it the fact that AbeVigodaCirca1977 got bogged down in writing an epic profile, thanks to advice from the On-Line Casanova.

You’ve heard the KISS philosophy? Keep It Short and Simple?

FORGET THAT!

Short is BAD!

Reality check…We men like things short and simple. We tend to have short attention spans. I’m checking in on the latest news about Grand Theft Auto IV as I write this! Seriously!

Women on the other hand…. WANT DETAILS!

You’ve listened to women talking on the phone, swapping life stories in absolute detail. They love it, crave it, need it, adore it. So give them material! You are trying to paint them a picture of your life, you can’t do that in 2 paragraphs.

Details alone wouldn’t bring AbeVigodaCirca1977 any closer to Dandelion on AdultFriendFinder.com, unfortunately. No, because as soon as I finished the sign-up process, I was sent straight to an ad page for gold and silver premium memberships. My pulse quickened. The promises (“top billing”), the quotes (anything from $8.95 to $49.95 a month), and the features (all the adult movies I could handle plus 24/7 Phone Support) began to swim before my eyes…and worst of all, I couldn’t figure out how to get back to a page that had anything to do with dating—or for that matter, meeting “real sex partners.” All I wanted was to gaze upon the sweet ASK ME FOR A PHOTO in the square where Dandelion’s gorgeous nonexistent face should have been. Before I had a panic attack I clicked off the Internet.

So where does that leave AbeVigodaCirca1977? Would I have to turn back (tail between my many virtual legs) to my old friend/pimp Markus and his no-frills PlentyOfFish? Not so fast, as it turns out—his site was snapped up by Match.com on the day after April Fool’s day for a tidy sum of $175 million, leaving all of my phony alter-egos and I to wonder if there was any future at all for free online dating.

Well, thankfully we’ll find out very soon. uRadiate launches imminently, and not only are there no hidden (or not so hidden) offers for paid subscriptions on the site—the ads that do appear tend to be for uRadiate’s competition, thanks to Google AdSense. But I am feeling cautiously optimistic, if not dead certain, that AbeVigodaCirca1977 will find happiness with Dandelion there. With all the unique features—the raves, the clusters, the multi-tiered “connection report”—uRadiate is the only site out there that puts compatibility testing in the hands of the daters themselves. It even does so in a way that’s new and different and fun. But don’t take my word for it. See for yourself. And if you do spot AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion on the site, don’t worry: they’re joining for matchmaking and friends only.

 (Note to reader: All quotes care of the On-line Casanova have been reprinted courtesy of Dylan Alexander. Please visit him at OnlineCasanova.)

It was only a matter of time, I suppose. After a week off, AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion were all set to plunge back into the dating scene—fully recovered from the St. Patrick’s Day trauma. (Like the swimming pool in Caddyshack, my lips and sneakers had been thoroughly “scrubbed, sterilized, and disinfected.”) But before we could make a single new move, an unopened email caught my attention. How to Spot Fake On-Line Dating.

Yikes.

It was from the ever-vigilant On-line Casanova, of course. Who else? This was bad. Had he somehow caught on to AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion? If so, could he forgive us? We needed him. He’d given us that initial jolt of courage to stay out there. Courage, yes: not only to persevere in our serial infiltration of dating sites, but above all, to stay true (well, technically false, but true in a phony way) to ourselves. If it weren’t for him, AbeVigodaCirca1977 never would have uploaded a professional profile photo in the first place. I resisted the temptation to send the email straight to trash.

You know, online dating horror stories always include one common theme… misleading photos! There are a few common ways people mislead you with photos.

1) They use out of date photos from a time that they were younger and more attractive.

2) They use photos that conceal the unattractive areas of themselves

3) They use photos of totally different people.

In one sense, AbeVigodaCirca1977 fit all three criteria. But in a different, less true sense, he was as genuine as they came. The real deal, as pictured! And you know what? Not to cast aspersions, but I suspect the dating sites that advertise on this very blog (ahem) might have a hard time saying the same about themselves. None of the sexy young professionals AbeVigodaCirca1977 has met so far on It’s Just Lunch bear any resemblance to the sexy young professionals in the ad; furthermore, none are interested in dining at midday at any restaurant within his budget. Dandelion has had even less luck finding a match that looks remotely like the mysterious Charlie-from-Charlie’s-Angels figure, perpetually seated with pen. We can only imagine where he wants to eat.

But we don’t harbor any ill will towards It’s Just Lunch. Not at all; we knew what we were getting ourselves into to begin with. Because when all is said and done, the site isn’t terribly different from EligibleGreeks or BikerPlanet, or any other niche dating site, for that matter—one just places more of an emphasis on mealtime than ethnic background or motorcycles. The picture any niche site presents is always just a little bit prettier than what you pay for, even if you join for free. AbeVigodaCirca1977 can certainly relate.

(Note to reader: All quotes care of the On-line Casanova have been reprinted courtesy of Dylan Alexander.  Please visit him at OnlineCasanova.)  

It’s not that I particularly mind stepping in bright green vomit; I just don’t want to know what it is. Ignorance is bliss as a New York City pedestrian. There is no upside to feeling squeamish or easily grossed out. Dog poop? Bring it on; I’ll uncap a fire hydrant and make sure to hose down my sneakers before the next trip to the deli or shrink appointment. No fuss, no muss. And yes, I know what you’re thinking: Given the skyrocketing number of apartment foreclosures, chances are quite good the poop might be of human origin. But as long as I don’t know that, I’m okay.

This is a lesson I’ve learned the hard way after living here my entire adult life. The streets and sidewalks play host to mysterious liquids and solids of all kinds—from the viscous to the slimy to the kaleidoscopically bouillabaisse-esque—and sooner or later, your foot will go splat.

Which brings us to St. Patrick’s Day. When a person starts drinking green beer at dawn, that person’s esophagus and digestive tract are capable of synthesizing a truly miraculous byproduct. This is doubly true if the beer has been accompanied only by bacon and cabbage. I didn’t learn this from personal experience, but from the man who attempted to French kiss me on the corner of 33^rd and 8^th at nine this morning. At least I think it was a man. I Google-imaged both “trannie” and “tranny” when I got to the office, and the results matched. Also, to be honest, I’m guessing about the bacon and cabbage; the ignorance-is-bliss rule applies to breath as well.

Legend has it that the Blarney Stone is a magical rock that will endow anybody who kisses it with a silver tongue. It is synonymous with St. Patrick’s Day itself, like shamrocks and leprechauns. But for me—owing to the fact that it shares its name with several bars within a ten block radius of Penn Station, all to be assiduously avoided on St. Patrick’s Day (what bars are open for breakfast?)—it will forever be synonymous with the barf I stepped in when I fled from the tranny’s surprise tongue attack. “That’s mine!” he/she cried with a gleeful hiccough.

You might be wondering what any of this has to do on-line dating. It doesn’t. The truth is, AbeVigodaCirca1977 and Dandelion have decided to take the day off in the wake of my harrowing experience. As far as it goes, though, I’d say that St. Patrick’s Day is definitely a day you want to avoid going on a real-live date, particularly a first date. If you do decide to go, however, be sure to bring an extra pair of clean shoes.

The good news: AbeVigodaCirca1977 (me) and Dandelion (me, as my wife) were successfully matched on PlentyOfFish! The better news: We weren’t the only ones. Hundreds of others were matched with us, too—men and women who not only share the same time zone as we do, but a host of other characteristics. I can say with absolute confidence that most of our potential suitors are under 6′11″ and less than 99 years old. Many, if not all, have Internet access. The vast majority are currently living.

Given that PlentyOfFish does not resize its profile photos, the growing army of matches does tend to blur together in a fun-house-mirror-on-acid kind of way. The messages we’ve received so far also carry a certain aggressive tone, the likes I haven’t seen since RuPaulRonPaul was solicited on DemocratPassions by someone named DollyLlama7. “haven’t gotten any action in a while. netflixed the omen & will watch naked. wanna join?” This, after we both took Markus’s compatibility test and responded to every single one of the 48 questions identically as “agreed,” including I don’t like scary movies.

I don’t mean to criticize Markus. I know he offers PlentyOfFish for free, a very noble venture. But I have to admit, I’ve found myself missing eHarmony’s exclusivity. As poorly matched as Kwame-from-San-Diego was with Dandelion in terms of geography, he did describe himself as “well adjusted” and “someone who takes time to smell the roses”—traits that are spot-on compatible. (Plus, I can infer from the latter that he has a working nose.) And even though I can’t be 100% sure, I have a hunch he weighs what he says he weighs. A person doesn’t shell out sixty bucks a month to lie about being cuddly.

Don’t present yourself online as anything but who you really are, the On-Line Casanova reminds us. Sure, you want to present the SEXIEST parts of who you are… but don’t fake being anything you aren’t. For example, yes, you could write the most dead sexy James Bond meets Han Solo profile any girl’s ever read… but it wouldn’t do any good because as soon as you got that girl on a date, she’d realize you were full of s***. Once her trust was broken, it’d be a huge battle to win it back. Remember how honesty is one of the top traits that women like?

I do remember. Thank you, On-line Casanova. And if money can’t buy you love, it can buy you honesty. (At least as far as everybody else is concerned. Dandelion and AbeVigodaCirca1977 are precluded from being honest by the very nature of our non-existence.) I must say, I was almost tempted to rethink my relationship with eHarmony when, out of the blue, I received this email:

Dear Dandelion,

Thanks again for joining eHarmony. We remain committed to helping you find your special someone and believe part of that process involves getting to know yourself better. That’s why we’re excited to let you know about eHarmony’s Premium Personality Profile. Based on the latest research, it provides you with an in-depth analysis of 15 critical aspects of your personality to show you:

* Your most appealing personal qualities

* Focused areas for improvement

* How dimensions of your personality directly impact different aspects of your personal and professional relationships.

* As a valued member of eHarmony, we’d like to invite you to get your Premium Personality Profile today and save 50% on the regular non-subscriber price – that’s just $9.99!Sure. $9.99 in addition to the $170-plus I already pay for a three-month subscription that’s about to expire? $9.99 for eHarmony to tell me how Dandelion can improve herself, and where she screws up in terms of dealing with other people? They’re the ones who told me that she never follows “her bliss.” Well, I’d like to tell them that bliss would be a lot easier to follow if she had an extra couple hundred bucks in her pocket. And on second thought, dating a 6′11″ 99-year-old horn-dog from Queens doesn’t sound bad for either Dandelion or AbeVigodaCirca1977. Karma, indeed.

(Note to reader: All quotes care of the On-line Casanova have been reprinted courtesy of Dylan Alexander. Please visit him at OnlineCasanova.)